Hiya,
for a change, I’m writing a post to any of you out there who’ve read, continue to read, or will read my blog, rather than to the kids that I so desperately wish we had, and know we one day will have.
As I’m sure you can imagine (and as a lot of you know from experience), it’s been a tough few days on the Hopelessly/Hopefully household. But, on the plus side, it hasn’t been as tough as I’d feared it would be when we were going into the cycle. I think we’re both just tired as we come down from the heightened stress and emotional levels of our first IVF cycle – the one that failed….I’m very carefully NOT calling it our first failed cycle, as that implies we had or are expecting to have other failed cycles…and we would definitely prefer that doesn’t happen!
What I really wanted to say today, is a great big THANK YOU to all of you who’ve read my blog and especially to those of you who’ve commented, over the last few days and on the posts before that. It has surprised me just how much your comments have made me feel. It’s like having this invisible support, that validates your feelings, understands what we’re going through, allows me to express what I’m thinking without any feeling of judgement or embarrassment. As I sit here in my home office, feeling slightly lonely and alone, I’ve been looking at these comments you guys have made, and its made me feel a little better, less alone.
And it’s made me realise something…I’ve been a very selfish and one-sided blogger.
I started this blog because I felt it was a way I could connect with this journey, a way for me to deal with the conflicting thoughts and feelings, emotions and experiences that I’ve had to deal with. A place to talk openly and honestly without worrying about the consequences.
I decided right at the beginning that it was going to be for me, and someday, for my kids to read. Something we can give them when they’re old enough to understand. Something to give them an idea of what we went through to have them. Obviously, when I started, I was anticipating that the only way we were ever going to have kids was either through the use of a sperm donor, or through adoption. I thought that giving them these posts would help them realise how much they meant to us, how much we were willing to go through to have them, how much we sacrificed just to conceive them…something to allay any fears they may have about being adopted or about not being my biological children.
This mindset lead me to ignore (in many respects) the idea that there are other people out there reading this. My readers were just the driving force to keep me writing/posting, not the reason I write/post. Yes, I looked at my readership stats, and got excited when they peaked a bit, I saw them drop when I failed to post regularly. But I didn’t really give much thought to the people behind these stats.
I started out initially reading loads and loads of other blogs, almost never commenting, often feeling a bit voyeuristic as one of the few guys in a woman dominated world. And it was the same on the Fertlicare forum, I seldom commented, feeling like I might be intruding in this female domain. I only replied to posts from people I felt I had come to know over time, and similarly, with the blogs, eventually only read three or four regularly. Those blogs being only a few ladies from the forum.
On the forum, I abhorred those replies that seemed to me to be totally senseless and mundane – those ‘thinking of you’, ‘take care of yourself’, ‘holding thumbs’ posts. They seemed without substance and pointless. They seemed to me to be people trying to ‘raise their profile’ because the more you post, the more people respond to you…and I wasn’t about all that…I wasn’t in it for the popularity, the stats, the hit counter.
But something’s changed in the last few days.
Hopefully and I have been on the receiving end of those ‘holding thumbs’ comments, we’ve received countless messages of support on both the forum and our respective blogs, people who’ve been lurking for god knows how long have de-lurked to wish us well or send commiserations. People who’ve never before commented on my blog have done so…and it’s been a very special thing.
At the risk of sounding melodramatic (which is a constant battle with me as you probably know), it’s been incredible. This sensation of there being tens, if not hundreds, of people caring about what we’re going through. People shouting support and encouragement. People sending heart-felt sympathies on the bad news that the cycle failed. The bucket-full of replies on the forum, the plethora of comments on our blogs, they’ve all meant the world to both of us.
And it’s made me realise that I’ve been selfish. My blogging has become one-sided, a one-way street of encouragement and support. I’ve been taking and taking, fooling myself that I didn’t need the readers and comments. But, in the dark recesses of my mind, I now realise that without you guys, I would have stopped blogging a long time ago, and that I would be worse off for it.
So, I want to take this opportunity to say a big and bold THANK YOU to all of you. You’ve helped me to blog, you’ve helped me analyse my thoughts and feelings, you’ve helped me to cope with the journey we’re on, you’ve helped me to better understand some of what my darling wife is going through, you’ve helped us immensely.
And I’d also like to say a big SORRY, for being such a selfish blogger. I will from now on, try my best to read more blogs, take the time and effort to comment more, be more supportive on the forum, and generally try and give back just a little of the support we’ve been so fortunate to have received in the past.
Image may be NSFW.
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